Saturday, April 27, 2013

The God of Intoxication will hold you to your vows.

"What's new with y'all." Sanbi
"HOUSEHUNTING!  Where's Evan?" GM
"Not my day to watch him." Sanbi
"But its the weekend, you're supposed to watch him on the weekends for me, Sanbi." GM
"I was not made aware of this arrangement -" Sanbi
"You agreed to it when you were a keg." GM

"Sometimes I hate social media." Sanbi
"Why?" GM
"So my brother in law made a post about my niece using the toilet and it has sixteen likes." Sanbi
"Is it her first time using the toilet?" Hachiro
"Apparently [..]  It's not unexpected or surprising, it just makes me hate social media." Sanbi

"You didn't have a lot of geek cred to begin with, Hachiro, but it's all lost now." Kazuko
"What?  Over Monaco?" Hachiro
"Monaco has been in discussion in the gaming community for over two years now." Kazuko

"I was sorting through my downloads and I came across that fucking picture Sanbi did.  I was a little annoyed it was still on my hard drive."  Hachiro
"Thank you for reminding me." GM
"We will not speak of it."  Danzomaru
"A little passive aggressive there, Hachiro.  That was nice, well played." Kazuko

"I applaud you for your tenacity."GM
"I don't know as the GM you want to encourage that behavior." Kazuko
"It's Danzomaru.  If I discourage it it basically acts as encouragement.  If I do nothing about it, it acts as encouragement. If I encourage him, it acts as encouragement.  There is no way I can possibly do anything that I won't regret." GM
"I'm like a constant sense of 'god dammit.'" Danzomaru
"What would you do, Kazuko?"  GM
"There are steering mechanisms..." Danzomaru
"Yeah.  I'm not going to give away trade secrets just yet." Kazuko
"Really the only one that Kazuko came up with at work, was the StormBlades." Danzomaru
"StormBlades are awesome." Kazuko

"Fuckin' StormBlades." Danzomaru
"Group of NPCs that did some kill stealing in a level one adventure, and got the PCs to hunt them to the ends of the Earth for like 15 levels."  Kazuko
"Literally all we cared about were where those fuckers went.  Spreading disinformation about their leader being riddled with syphilis, and a total whore." Danzomaru
"Well she was." Sanbi
"Not so much - " Kazuko
"Just going down to town and also that led to our invention of a different name of our merry band everywhere we went because we had to make it seem like different groups knew this information."  Danzomaru
"Well it sounds like they had more to be pissed off at you than -" Hachiro
"Oh no, totally! Uhh so, we were the Beast Helm Brigade... The Mighty Three, though there were six of us.  And then I forget some of the other fucked up names that we came up with were."  Danzomaru
"I don't recall either. It was a campaign of... The character destruction campaign was pretty significant."  Kazuko
"As I recall we invested capital in ruining them.  To the point, as I recall, as a side mission for funsies before Sanbi took over, Kazuko had the king summon us in order to fight it out with their group because he got sick and tired of dealing with the bullshit." Danzomaru
"All these guys did was steal your kills?" Hachiro
"That was the best part.  In the first combat.  It was the Scales of War Campaign or whatever.  And it starts out that you're in a city, it's on fire and there are a bunch of orcs and fighters.  And we fought, and there were like three of us, all defenders because we were smart.  And we were getting our asses kicked but we managed to survive.  And we were fighting the final boss, doing pretty well when this group of four mercenaries comes in, Kill Steals, takes all the credit and is heralded as heroes.  And we were like 'oh fuck no, this is not how this is starting out.'  So, Sanbi joined up a little after that and we explained it to him, 'No, the Storm Blades are assholes. We hate them, they all have syphilis.'  Because the leader, whatever the fuck her name is, sleeps with all of them and gives them her hell herpes." Danzomaru
"Wow...." Hachiro
"Then they made Dio go down into a shitter, to look for treasure and he almost drowned." Danzomaru
"This should be turned into a web comic." Hachiro
"Hehehe... This was after the Squirrel Incident." Sanbi
"Wait, Squirrel Incident?" GM
"Right, I forgot!" Kazuko
"All I'm saying is should come to the game on time." Sanbi
"I'm pretty sure kicking Dio down the shitter happened in the first dungeon." Kazuko
"Oh yeah - " Sanbi
"The Squirrel Incident was in a later dungeon." Kazuko

"The first dungeon was where they threw you the glowing coin while you were stealthing." Kazuko
"Right!" Sanbi
"That was the Mushroom Dungeon." Danzomaru

"Was the third dungeon the one we rolled through as one encounter because we didn't want to get rid of the flaming sphere?" Danzomaru
"I believe that was.. It was either the third one of the second half of the second one." Sanbi
"That was the one also with Intrudersssss Conssssssume Them!" Danzomaru
"No that was back in the first one again." Kazuko
"That was in the third to the last room of the first one." Sanbi
"The first one also had the Scrying Pools of Urine." Kazuko
"The Vecna - "
"What the fuck." Hachiro
"The room full of Vecna's was the first dungeon as well." Kazuko
"There's twelve Vecna's!!" Danzomaru
"There were three! Quiet you!  I may have no Religion training, but I can still count." Sanbi

"By Squirrel Incident we mean, he has a squirrel... A Dead Squirrel he had fucked to death under his Wizard Hat.  That he took with him." Sanbi
"This was something he came up with? Or you came up with?-" Hachiro
"No no - " Danzomaru
"As we said, you should come to the game on time.  He didn't come to the game on time." Sanbi
"He didn't come to the game on time.  He was accused of staying at the back of the party and not participating and fucking a squirrel to death.  He didn't respond.  When he showed up and we told him he fucked a squirrel to death, his response was to mount it in his hat."  Kazuko
"Wait, fuck it in his hat or just mount it on his hat..-" GM
"No, once it was dead, he went all Taxedermy on it and shit and mounted it on his - " Kazuko
"Yeah it's frozen in a state of horror, shame and disappointment." Danzomaru
"Wow... that's.... yeah-" Hachiro
"Like I keep saying, don't show up late to the Sunday Games too much." Danzomaru

"I think he thought he was going along with it and it would stop us from making fun of him about it. He was wrong.  No body stops this group of assholes."  Danzomaru

"Kick him in the nuts as hard as you can and ask him to answer the question again." Kazuko

"VISIONS!" GM
"Actually in this case she is upset she can't get into the cupboard."  Kazuko
"Is that where the food is?" Danzomaru
"It's where the pans are." Kazuko
"And why would she want the pans?" GM
"Fuck if I know." Kazuko
"Do not question the will of the cat." Hachiro
"Glad you're here to explain cats to us, Hachiro." Danzomaru

"Sorry, Hachiro, but your one year with cats is not enough to throw down street cred with cats.  I'm pretty sure your one year is one twentieth the amount of time I've spent with cats."  Danzomaru
"It doesn't mean I don't have some knowledge." Hachiro
"It's like you got to second base once...." Danzomaru

"Is the Shugenja asleep through all of this?" Hachiro
"Yep, with a ferret in each ear." GM
"My foot wakes him up!" Hachiro

"A Crab tells you to go fuck yourself before a battle, it's like saying hello." Kazuko

"What did he do to his computer?" GM
"The Data Kami are angry with him." Sanbi
"He obviously needs to do a blood sacrifice.  No more spunk sacrifice." GM
"Oh god..." Sanbi

"Question, even if you know where to go to find her directly, what will you do when you meet the shugenja of such power directly?" Hachiro
"Kill it." Danzomaru and GM
"Uhh, probably the wise thing to do, is find out where she is, get embroiled in side plots, go to the Second City, get all the ass kickers we can find, and then...  go pay her a fuckin' visit."  Sanbi
"Kill it." Danzomaru

"I just want to point out for the record that it was Hachiro talking to people that did this." Danzomaru
"Fuck you too, sir." Hachiro

"A journal that reads 'Secrets of the Secret Cult that we shouldn't tell the Samurai about'?" Sanbi

"We need to invoke the 'Not Idiot Clause' more often."  Kazuko

"Sanbi, you're an expert, find us a Hoochi." Danzomaru
"That is not a phrase I have heard often in my life." Sanbi
"'You're the expert'?" Danzomaru

"If he had seen and like those and he had never seen Aliens or fuckin' Star Trek-" Danzomaru
"Then he's been denied good..-" Hachiro
"No, no..  He's not allowed to use his penis anymore." Danzomaru
"He's seen Star Trek." GM
"I am without words.  Danzomaru's regulation of your cock use is -" Sanbi
"Justified!" Danzomaru
"... There are numerous adjectives really.  I just don't know where to start." Sanbi

"I have neither watched nor read Twilight.  Of course I have seen Aliens.  I was making my stunned 'how could you think I haven't seen Aliens' face." Sanbi
"Here's the thing about Skype, buddy - " Danzomaru
"We can't see your face!" GM
"You can't see all the times I moon you guys during a game." Danzomaru
"That's why he keeps his door closed." GM
"That and the rampant masturbation." Danzomaru
"Yeah, that's not always the toilet flushing in his room." GM
"Uhh." Sanbi
"What the fuck else do I have that would make that noise!?  Like are you saying I have my own personal spunk toilet sitting next to my computer?!  I mean, what the fuck!  As I climax ... wkshhhhhhh" Danzomaru

"I assume Kazuko made it angry in the first place." Hachiro
"What did I do?!" Kazuko
"You made fun of the gerbil!" Hachiro
"Your gerbil was being a dick.  You make that gerbil respect your authoritah.  Start hitting the side of your computer with a stick, that will fix it." Kazuko
"If I remember the news report correctly from the other day, you should wrap it in duct tape so that the eyes don't bug out as much. Or something like that." Sanbi
"What news report did you watch!?" Hachiro

[Five minutes spent on who is dressed nicer..]
"FUCKING HELL JUST ROLL A DIE ALREADY!  Did we really just spend five minutes discussion who was better dressed?" Danzomaru
"Yep." Sanbi

"The gerbil is rolling around in the ash again, go get it!" Kazuko

"Basically pull the we are the batman, don't come near us.  Tell your friends about us." Hachiro

"Danzomaru walks through the bazaar with a head on a pike."  GM
"Given that I'm the only one with a pike.." Sanbi
"Oh I'll just borrow it for a while." Danzomaru
"And the foxes lick the pike clean after." GM
"So much innuendo." Hachiro

"I'm not saying that, cuz it'd be like 'so fuck your mother, by the way....'" Danzomaru

"Spot check smell!" GM
"No thank you!  They eat a lot of curry don't they." Danzomaru

"It is easy to find a place.  Super easy.  There are whores outside specifically for Mantis." GM
"Hooray whores!" Danzomaru
"For Mantis?" Hachiro
"Well the whores for crab have to really sturdy..." GM
"Lets just say they all have their sea legs." Sanbi

"There have been a few times in this session where I feel like we're not the good guys."  Hachiro
"Not the good guys like us? Or not the good guys in character? Cuz we as players are not the good guys.  We don't do good guys well." Kazuko

"You keep saying all these words, but all I hear is 'la la la la la... I want somebody to hit me with an axe.'" Danzomaru

Wednesday, April 24, 2013

Pulling a Sanbi..,. hook your computer up to your TV and RPG from the couch.

"Maybe he's finally hooked up with that one girl." GM
"Now I'm scared." Danzo
"Why would you be scared of that." GM

"So his blissful betrothed is ..." GM
"You can make her a choptstick vendor." Danzo
"Her family is best known for harvesting the wood, a particular wood that is best known for chopsticks." Sanbi
"And that means Hachiro can strive to give her wood." Danzo

"I'm going to put this up to a vote, how much wine should I give the GM?" Danzo

"Why did you steal the dudes ferrets?"  Kazuko
"That's just asking for trouble."  Danzo
"The foxes are going to be pissed.  They'll be in your pants....  There is just no good that can come of this." Kazuko

"I'd sleep with him." Danzo on Tom Cruise
"Would you be big spoon or little spoon?" GM
"Whichever." Danzo

"Now we have Edward Elric for Fullmetal Alchemist if we ever do a live action of it." Hachiro

Alphonse - Jack Black
Edward Elric - Tom Cruise
Armstrong - The Rock/Arnold Schwarzeneggar
Hughes - Ryan Reynolds
Mustang - Val Kilmer

"There were others like the first Hantei Emperor...." GM
"Did you just say the first Hentai Emperor?" Sanbi
"How do you think he convinced everyone to work for him." Danzo
"I'm pretty sure his nick name was Overfiend." Kazuko

"Let me ask you this, which one of you three assholes asked for the meeting?" Hachiro
"I did." Kazuko
"Okay." Hachiro
"I've been talking in your place and we've gone through three conversations in thirty minutes." Kazuko
"Also, no body dishonored themselves." Danzo

"You need to prepare 'rape their eye sockets with something' spell."  Danzo
"I don't think that's a rank one spell." Sanbi
"Peri-dokken.  If they are supposed to be females, why are there tiny ferret penises in my eyeballs" Danzo

"Weird, I keep getting disconnected from the server, but I have no trouble getting back on." Sanbi
"Not her exact words." Danzo

"Help a Crab and fuck a Crane." Danzo
"You sir, are the open wing man." Hachiro

"So his entire blackmail plan involves us doing the blackmail for him?" Kazuko

"Out of character, fuck him and the horse he rode in on." Kazuko

"I don't think we need to set traps for laborers." Kazuko
"Maybe you like hearing the screams as they are impaled?"  GM
"I'm not playing a Scorpion anymore, so my honor is not shitty.  So the screams of the commoners are not.." Kazuko
"Are to be avoided." Sanbi

"Me and bushido have had our problems.  Don't try to come between us with your sharp sticks." Kazuko

"Deadly chopsticks are flying at your face." Danzo
"Your first response was to open your mouth, wasn't it!?" Kazuko


You have to be the furry next time

"So apparently next time on a game, uhm... Kazuko.." GM
"Yeah, Kazuko, you have to be the furry next time."  Danzo
"I have to what?"  Kazuko
"Well the way we figure it, I've done it, and Sanbi's done it, and Sora was a big enough whore where you could just assume also furry.  So really it's up to you."  Danzo

"Someone roll me a d10.  Even and I'm a total asshole." Danzo

"Look little girl, that there is your daddy. Oh look he got stabbed.  That's not your dad anymore." Kazuko
"Pretty much, and if they start crying, then I will tell them its the nature of the world and to get used to it.  Understand what went wrong and understand what you can do to fix it."  Danzo
"Punch 'em in the face and say, now you have a reason to cry." Kazuko
"Not THAT big of a dick."  Danzo

"Why do I have the feeling that Kazuko would be the best person to baby sit kids ever?" GM
"Your definition of best, and my definition of best are very different." Kazuko
"When you have kids, GM, I'm hiring Kazuko to baby sit your kids."  Danzo

"I'll pretend to care for about 15 minutes, then throw the book in a fire." Kazuko

"We're deputy Scorpions!"  Sanbi
"Oh fuck!  There's two points of honor right there.  Goddamn Scorpions, and their manipulation."  Danzo

"If I have to deal with this shit, you do too...  I just want to get back to the wall where it was normal to deal with 10 foot oni." Danzo

"I was thinking of becoming my own blissful betrothal." Danzomaru
"Typically they frown on that, but in the colonies you can give small children your name, and then technically you do become your own blissful betrothal." GM
"Oh god, GM if you do that, that would be amazing."  Danzomaru

"Here's a question then... What do we do when we catch him?" Hachiro
"Kill him." Kazuko and Danzomaru

"There is probably some sort of Kryptonite we are meant to find.  This is probably meant to cause the PCs to use a little caution here.  This is not the right group of PCs to threaten in such a fashion."  Kazuko
"What group of PC's are ever ever frightened." Hachiro
"Reasonable ones?" Kazuko

"I keep getting the feeling you're all trying to kill eachother at times." GM
"Nonesense."  Sanbi
"We're invincible if there is only one of us left."  Kazuko
"I see what you did there." Hachiro
"Go all Highlander in the session, whoever wins, wins the game." Kazuko

"We're marginally less poor!  Jade tea is also worth stocking.  Never know when we may have to stop .... taint." Kazuko

"Also, you're a fucking merchant!  Don't feel bad about what you do." Sanbi

"Oh the foxes will probably be put in boxes... Or overboard.  Whichever comes first." Danzo

"What's the word I am looking for?  Slightly molested chickens." Hachiro

"One of them wants toasted seaweed.  One of them wants something called candy.  One of them wants lots of ginger." GM
"Oh my god, you got them pregnant." Danzomaru
"Cuz foxes love ginger."  Kazuko

"Seven tentacles!"  Kazuko
"Well, if the crab wants tentacles, the crab wants tentacles."  GM

"How did Creature of Darkness go for ya?" Hachiro
"Oh god....  Oh..." Danzo
"I would like to remind you, you were the one who said the two of you had to watch it." Hachiro
"THANK YOU HACHIRO! THANK YOU!" GM
"Doesn't matter.  Doesn't... matter.  Six or seven times, I said 'bitch, I'm never gonna forgive you for this.'  It's just awful."  Danzo

"Women who are involved with another guy are a turn off for me." Hachiro
"I'm sorry, did you say turn on?" Sanbi
"For the record, he said turn on!" Danzo
"I'm pretty sure he said on."  Kazuko

When it comes to locating the dumbasses, that I can do.

"That's why Kim Young is attacking Austin.  He's trying to keep the internet down by blowing it up."  Hachiro

"So, GM, you're dating a bronie?"  Sanbi
"Yeah..."  GM
"Grats."  Sanbi
"YES!" Danzo
"What!?" GM
"Sorry, that's the first thing I texted her when I went through and saw it..  Haha, you're dating a bronie.  Thank you Sanbi!" Danzo

"You realize that makes it a 60% chance that he's a furry, right?" Danzo
"Alright, now I'm creeped out." GM
"If he ever cries out Twilight Sparkle during sex, run!" Danzo

"Hang on, drop everything.  It's international pillow fight day." Sanbi
"No, Danzo.. no no no! NO I HAVE BOOZE IN MY HAND!  Sanbi! I don't like you!" GM
"Is the mental image I have of whats going on in your apartment correct?" Hachiro
"That we are having a pillow fight in pjs and semi nude?  Most likely.  I'm not semi nude." GM

"Dude, what the fuck... stop googling this please!" Hachiro
"Not gonna happen." Sanbi

"So do we talk to the villagers, or do we talk to the spirits?  Or do we go sit in a corner and jerk off for a few weeks." Danzomaru

"Awareness and investigation please?" GM
"Please let this not be masturbation related."  Sanbi

"I think Sanbi was saying he needs a tarp for the next time he sees his body pillow." Danzomaru

"I'm allowed to talk about money all I want." Hachiro
"Then you pay!" Kazuko

"... I do hope you decide to spread this.." GM
"Like a disease.." Kazuko
"Like an STD." GM

"There was a thump on the patio and I'm two floors up." Hachiro
"They're called birds." Danzo
"He wants to watch them fuck, give him a sec." Kazuko
"Yeah, ruffle those feathers baby."  Danzo
"You don't know how hot and bothered he got with all that fox and feather stuff." Kazuko

"Roll your detect fuck-wit." Danzo

"If there is something he would like me to do within reason..." Hachiro
"Bend over." Danzo
"Within reason!" Hachiro
"It's within reason!" GM
"I have a strict no butt rule with men." Hachiro
"But the mouth is all good!" Danzo

"When it comes to convincing people to not be dumbasses, I'm not the one.  That's up to the courtier.  When it comes to locating the dumbasses, that I can do."  Kazuko

"Waterboard him until he tells you the truth."  Kazuko
"Pretty much."  Danzo

"You want to make shadowlands?" Hachiro
"Sure! Why not!  Sanbi can fix it!" GM

'Stylized' geishas

"So let's take a Crab there.."  Kazuko

"I was dealing with a dog."  Hachiro
"Wait wait wait, you got a dog?" GM
"That's pretty much the entire story right there." Hachiro

"Okay, you want to fuck them, as long as its stylized."  Kazuko
"So there is the Lucky Star, they have many 'stylized' geishas if you wish." GM

"You got way more cash on you that I have now." Hachiro
"You're the trader with the boat, aren't you?" Kazuko

"Even though he's the door man, he still has honor himself."  GM
"Not after we're done with him."  Sanbi

"I'm saving you money on your car insurance.  Don't snicker."  Hachiro

"My good lady Crab, my friend is speaking sense.  Do not let this deter you from your investigation."  Sanbi

"How crowded is the tea house right now?" Danzomaru
"Just going to take her on the table right now?" Sanbi

"Is the Kuni hot?" Sanbi
"Yes, though she does pull her hair back so she looks very severe.  She's got the whole scolding teacher look."  GM
"So she's perfect for Danzo." Sanbi
"One, there's a fair chance that Danzo will break a bitch.  Two... that is not his sole interest in life."  Danzomaru

"But I have a big axe...... Can I go kill the foxes?" Danzo
"No!" GM and Sanbi
"Play nice for fucks sake!" GM